Can I say some hard things here? Would anyone read it? I think this blog is on my twitter, so perhaps I shouldn't :)

June is the perfect time to reevaluate--I always reevaluate around June, perhaps because it is the sixth month and the middle.

I don't understand why there are no major holidays in June.

This is a year for connections -- for roots. This is a year to build on what I have and stop changing.

I probably need to start dating.

I am finding no motivation in moving.

This used to be so much fun and so inspirational.

I about cracked when my mother called to make sure I was doing the right thing.

My head is always so full of self-doubt, and yet sometimes I think I wouldn't have it any other way.

I like the challenge of constant change, but right now, there are a lot of challenges.

I could have spent the entire day just working on the VBS Taiwan program--5 hours of meetings this morning were just the tip of the iceberg for VBS Cupertino and Taiwan.

I guess I'm a little afraid.

A little stressed.

A little panicked.

But really excited.

But right now I'm sitting in a pile of books and cobwebs on my apartment floor. Moving again. *sigh*

I want to settle, but it doesn't seem to be in the stars for me.

The other day, when my friend said high school was the pinnacle of his life, it made me sad. I realized that I have never expected any part of my life to be the "pinnacle." In fact, I always expect my life to get progressively better. I suppose we all wish for that.

My friend, I think, was trying to say that, around here, the high schools are good and people love going. But I cannot imagine high school being the best time of your life. Sure, experiences varry, but it's still 4 years of your life that happen very early, if you live a normal life-span.

To have most of your success, friendship, happiness, love seem like it came and went in high school is the #1 most depressing thought to me. That's why sometimes I do encourage the kids at church to think a bit less of high school, calm down, and just enjoy it for what it is.

I told my friend that college was sort of my pinnacle, but then, when I move on from this stage, I might feel the same way about right now. And come to think of it, I loved my time living in San Francisco, and life has gotten progressively better even since college.

How does one live without life getting progressively better? It seems like you'd have to be living without dreams, Or at least without working towards those dreams. That is the #2 most depressing thought ever.

So if not dreams, what are you living for? Duties? Responsibility? Others? Not disappointing people?

I'm not just trying to live for myself so I can be happy, but I will say that if I am not happy, people around me will not be happy--and I am not happy when I'm around people who are obviously not happy.

It's the abundant life that fill Jesus' teaching.

If we can grasp that, perhaps people will calm down, enjoy, dream, live, achieve, and start becoming happy!

WHAT is going ON!!!

I feel so old lately, and of course Valentine's Day doesn't help.

Everyone wants to think they're above Valentine's Day (it's superficial, I don't need a significant other, I have good friends), but nobody really is.

Lately movies, music, interests have not resonated with anyone in my life. Nobody knows me anymore, and I'm getting tired of it. I want to sit and talk to someone who UNDERSTANDS.

Just... understands.

Today, one of the kids at church completely understood Joss Whedon's incredibly corny script writing and how funny it can be when you understand it. And it made me happy to meet a kindred spirit 10 years younger.

But Hien is moving on, and what do you do when you're out of a best friend? What do you do when nobody else knows you at all?

How do you keep meeting people when it always turns out this way?

Is this my life? Will it be a lonely road? Is it ending in greatness or an obscure grave?

Am I thinking outside the box enough to make anything of what God gave me for this life? Or does thinking outside the box demand connection? Maybe we can't reach the top alone.

I need some Joss.

Sometimes I feel like I should do an old-fashioned update, like I used to.

But sometimes I let my journals slip away.

And I have no idea where to start.

For some reason, over the last few weeks, I've felt SO hopeful. Hopeful like there are a million things coming and a million more to do. While the past few years (since college) have been fraught with too much to finish, to keep up with, to start, to stay on top of, to just keep my head above water, it's been spotted with these glimpses of an exciting future. Sometimes that takes major changes, but now--now that most of my major changes are behind me--now it is that feeling from college again. Changes are done, and there's an end in sight for this long stretch of hard work.

Now I'm bidding on accordions on ebay.

Now I'm envisioning a business plan for my own bookstore.

Now I'm actually seeing the things I'm doing RIGHT, and people are saying "good job."

It's not the good job of a newcomer, but of someone who is progressing!

I think a few years of hard work is paying off. It's getting in dirty up to your elbows that pays off with the big stuff. It's not getting in shape but staying in shape that counts.

or perhaps its the residue of lonely...

Meaning that after you feel like people have passed you by for long enough, you begin to get used to the bad feelings and start really throwing yourself into work and dreams. I'm in that middle place where friends are thin... and thinning.

in a few years, they will be married with children, and they'll be back. :)

So, what do my days look like? I got some good grades last quarter, and I have, for some reason, a surge of energy the last few months. I have been up and starting on homework by 8am, at work by noon, evenings with my side job or meetings at Church, figuring things out, getting good grades, keeping my car up...

Taxes are going to be a bear--I had five jobs last year.

Still a lot of work to do on my car.

Honestly, if I can keep a bit removed from most people and most drama, I think I can keep this up... that feeling of success... the residue of loneliness...

but oh so useful.

Some sundance-winners are a bit message-y for me, but all good art starts as a statement, and sometimes it’s a really great one ☺

I guess Six String Samurai is that kind of film. It must say something for the state of rock-and-roll in the ‘90’s, but I think it’s for any time.

You can still be a good rocker and not give in to heavy metal (the final battle!)

Also, what is Rock but a statement against The Man? Against Big Brother? And what better image of Big Brother than the Red Army? What better image for Rock-and-Roll but The King (elvis)?

What better image for a fake Utopia but something Oz-like? What better image of something Oz-like but Las Vegas? (Lost Vegas)

I guess I just loved the fact that we need a king, we need a king of Rock to stand up to the authorities of our day! Which, if we stand up to them, are pretty easily defeated.

I loved that Buddy was cheating death, fighting for his life, and the only one to nearly make it to Vegas (what an image for the live of a good musician).

We need Rock to give voice to the youth who are so often victimized and voiceless (a pretty clear message in the movie, but done with SO much COOL!!!)…

We need the youth to keep Rock alive…

And if we have youth, and as long as we have oppression, Rock lives!

HOORAY for ROCK AND ROLL!!! ☺

This movie makes me so freakin’ happy.

Oh, and did I mention the AWESOME Kurosawa-esque ronin samurai references? Yojimbo-like maybe? I loved that!!! I have such a big happy smile about this movie.





Now, beg before the ways of heavy metal!
☺

man, i miss the '90's...

okok--edit--
YES every scene was some kind of symbol with layers (that is what indie-sundance-winners DO), and YES it had that incredibly awesome, funny, shout-at-your-screen nineties-cheesy style... but that is why I loved it! The humor is so of-it's-day but not!
OK and ONE Last jab at sundance--I just have to say that these kinds of movies around this time ENDED the INDIE ERA!!! THAT'S RIGHT, ENDED! You can't have a real indie film with five big-name actors and more budget than a blockbuster...

What is THAT about???

Who wants to make an good film to compete with something like that in the theaters?

So if you want to know why we don't get this kind of stuff at sundance anymore, that's why.

That's right, I said it! Sundance is screwing up!
so shoot me!

The scariest thing to realize is that there are some people I will never stop missing

and you feel hopeless and homeless and lost in the haze of the wine...

It has come to my attention that the most soul-crushing experience (for me) is to see no end in sight...

How do you run a race without a finish line?

So I'm going to take 4 classes a quarter (after this one), EVEN WiTH MY TWO JOBS.

The more work I have, the more energized I become, so this is my new goal :) I'm totally excited.

This quarter is the test quarter though. If I can't stay ahead in everything, I won't be able to handle four classes next quarter. I am currently trying to wake up at 8am every morning and work for four hours. So far, I worked for 40 minutes, talked to Jon Lee (who I saw at the coffee shop) for 40 minutes, then worked another 30 minutes, then came home and thought of a lot of things while working another 20 minutes, then started to go out for a jog, but got my mail instead, and now I'm blogging...

We'll see.

PS
Today on Talk of the Nation, the nation was discussing dream interpretation. I'm going to use some exercises to interpret my dreams from now on. I want to see if they are prophetic! I think some of them are :)

The button for a new post on Blogger is labeled "Create."

Such a tall order.

I feel unworthy to click the tab.

When I write here, I don't think I am creating anything. Perhaps more chaos and a few extra thoughts in the ocean of idealism we call the blogging community.

Sometimes, I wish I could convince people to stop writing.

That's the meanness in my spirit. Everyone is a writer, an artist, an expresser of some sort, and as the Montessori model goes, it should be cultivated. But some people abuse it, as I am doing right now, degrading their own potential by elevating their most mediocre and admiring it as their best. The tab I will click next is "Publish Post." Does that mean I am published?

Does writing here mean that I create?

I'm incredibly frustrated with my writing, as with the rest of my life. It's so, so easy to imagine one's self to be the next Virginia Woolf when you get an A in creative writing in college. It's still easy when you publish some articles just out of college. Then some years pass, and somehow, before you know, in the mad rush to make money, to make a name for yourself, to make a place in this world, you find the only things you can make look exactly like what everyone makes... and you have ceased to create.

Maybe I have an obsession with God, but I can't think of this without thinking of God.

Because my faith teaches me that God created humans in His image. In other words, just as humans beget other humans, God created something very much like Himself, and we have yet to discern how much like Him we really are. That thought just thrills me in my core.

If God created through the Word, and Jesus was called the Word as He went out to show the truth and love of God, then when I create, my creation should go out and show something new, something novel, something thrilling. Then, when someone picks that up, they should receive the spirit of my work, something not even I can know the effects of... just as Jesus left but His spirit lives on. The Word goes out, surging with life in the Spirit.

Taking this lesson from faith, I create, if I am really living up to my potential as a living being (even plants reproduce). I create, and it goes out into the world (a mother does not intentionally get pregnant with plans to abort, and a creator should not intentionally create without ever giving body and life by letting the creation be known). Those who pick it up, if it is real, if it is them growing, then it will be real to those who experience it. It will be different. We are not clones of God, and our work should only be inspired from us, never a clone.

These thoughts are swimming in my head. Christmas confuses me. It must be all the lights.

The plan now: read some E.M. Forester, spend lots of time alone... regain creativity.

Oh my mind, where have you gone these past few years?